


desperate times call for spider hitmen

by camarauderie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Humor, M/M, Neighbors, Save-me-from-this-spider-au, i want everyone to know there is a spider in this fic and while its life is threatened it survives, over-dramatic, sirius isn't arachnophobic exactly but he really doesn't like spiders, spider - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:32:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camarauderie/pseuds/camarauderie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sirius finds a spider in his tub and is forced into action to save himself and his flat and his friends and the world from the beast...</p>
            </blockquote>





	desperate times call for spider hitmen

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic from the following prompt:  
> http://demineil.tumblr.com/post/110467148603/here-have-some-aus-as-if-there-arent-enough-on
> 
> _“this is totally awkward considering before this the only interactions we’ve ever had have been casual nods to each other in the hallway but there’s a huge fucking spider in my bath tub and you seem like the friendly neighbor type please help me” au_

After a long day of work at the kindergarten, Sirius had planned for this exact moment. He’d had his pasta for dinner, and was ready with a fresh downloaded episode of Vikings. The Lush package came in the post a couple days ago so he was all set with bath bombs (and also a variety of mini tubs of lotions and stuff they sent with it as a little bonus).  
  
He was in his gown, hair tied in a bun and busy setting it all up – mainly putting the computer on a small table next to the tub, not too close to be in danger of water but not too far away that he wouldn’t be able to reach out and pause. That was when he saw it.  
  
Gasping, he backed away and accidentally hit his lower back against the basin. The spider in his tub didn’t move, though. It was probably quite content right there where it was, the gross imposter.  
  
It was a large one, with thick black legs. It was way worse than the daddy longlegs ones, because those were of an average small mass. This one was not.  
  
Sirius kept his eyes on it, if he looked away it might move and disappear somewhere. There was nothing more terrifying than a spider on the run – he did _not_ want to find an imposter in his bed later.  
  
He considered flushing it away with water… or not. What if it came crawling back up from the drain? No matter the fact that that was probably impossible, Sirius couldn’t shake the thought. No. He needed to see a spider corpse before he could feel safe again.  
  
That raised the issue of how he was ever going to muster the courage to kill it. Killing it was just as gross as just looking at it. The crunchy sound that it made… he shuddered just thinking about it, pulling his silky robe tighter around his waist.  
  
Someone else had to do it for him. James? But he was on the other side of the country, on his cutesy little road trip with Peter. That ruled out Peter too, of course. They would be returning with a Volkswagen bus but that was of no help right now.  
  
Remus!  
  
Remus, the bloke across the hall, the fit one that Sirius usually nodded at when they met in the hall and the one he sometimes appreciated aesthetically through the peep-hole of his front door.  
  
The spider hadn’t moved at all during the time Sirius kept watching it - maybe it was sleeping, or just biding its time. Whatever it was, Sirius dared to sprint off and leave it on its own. He didn’t bother with changing out of his robe, that would waste valuable time.  
  
He hurried across the hall to knock on Remus’ door. When no answer came immediately he knocked again. And again. And again, faster this time.  
  
“Come on, Remus,” he whined.  
  
The door opened with a sudden _whoosh_ and there he was, all rumpled and cosy, looking like he’d been sleeping considering the puffy eyes and wild hair, ignoring the fact that it was barely 7PM.  
  
“Um. Sirius?” he asked, looking confused.  
  
“No time. I need your help. There’s an emergency.” Sirius dragged him back into his own apartment and to the bathroom.  
  
The spider was - thankfully - in the same spot as he’d left it.  
  
“There!” he said and pointed. “Please help me take it away?”  
  
“Oh.” Remus’ eyebrows was slowly rising upwards into his curls. “That’s it?”  
  
“’That’s it’?! There’s an alien creature in my home and I didn’t invite it! It needs to go. Will you help me or do I have to find someone else? I thought you seemed the helpful neighborly type.”  
  
Remus chuckled. “What gave you that idea?”  
  
“Um. You. Look nice?”  
  
“I look nice , friendly? Or nice, fit?”  
  
Sirius, to his heightening embarrassment, felt his face grow very hot. He hadn’t expected this kind of behaviour from a guy who looked like he worked in a library.  
  
“Neither, anymore.” Sirius answered, finally. “I can’t believe you’re not taking this seriously.”  
  
“Oh, I absolutely am. This is me being dead serious.”  
  
“Could you just –“ His eyes had strayed from the tub and now returning, they saw No Spider Anymore. “Fuck! Where’d the bastard go?!”  
  
Remus started laughing. Sirius turned away from him in search of the spider, standing up on the toilet to gain a vantage point. “Where’d it go?!”  
  
“Don’t worry. Fuck, you’re killing me. Get down, it ran over there while you weren’t looking.” Remus pointed to the corner between the toilet and the bath. “I’ll get it.”  
  
“Oh. Do you want-“ Sirius was about to offer toilet paper, maybe, as a middleman between Remus hand and the spider body for when the crushing came, but he was too late.  
  
Remus was already bending over, his well-worn trousers looking less shit from this angle the way they were hugging his behind so tightly. Sirius was almost contemplating asking Remus to join him in the bath later - when he’d scrubbed all trace of spider away from the tub, of course.  
  
“There we go,” Remus said and stood up. It took a couple seconds for Sirius to realize the spider wasn’t _dead_ , it was alive in his neighbor’s fucking hand, scurrying around his cupped palm.  
  
Shouting something vaguely swearword-ish, Sirius fled the room. “What are you doing?! You were supposed to _kill it_!”  
  
“I’m not coming into your flat and committing murder the first thing I do,” Remus snorted. “I’ll take this little guy outside.”  
  
“Well excuse me, but how do you know that’s a boy?”  
  
“...fair point. I will take this little animal outside, regardless of gender. I’ll come back later and make sure you’re alright, alright?”  
  
“Um. Okay. Alright.”  
  
  
  
Ten minutes later found Sirius sat on his sofa - still in his robe, and Remus stepping inside again, looking flushed. Maybe he ran all the stairs up.  
  
“No new intruders?” he asked.  
  
“None so far.”  
  
“Including me?”  
  
“Well. You helped me, so you’re allowed.”  
  
“Wow. Thanks.” Smiling, Remus shoved his hands in his pockets. “Well then, the spider is gone from your general area, I guess I should be going.”  
  
“Wait! Um.” Sirius floundered for a reason for him to stay. “You… have to check the bathroom again. Maybe spiders work in pairs.”  
  
“Right. Sure.” As Remus went into the bathroom, Sirius followed him and placed himself in the doorway, he didn't think there'd be more spiders but one could never be so sure.  
  
After a search that Sirius agreed to have been thorough, Remus stopped in front of him, raising an eyebrow when he didn’t move. “Maybe I should draw you a bath, as well?”  
  
”Well… No, I mean, I just, I want to say thank you. For saving me. Maybe I could offer you something in return?”  
  
The eyebrow twitched. So did Remus’ lips. “What did you have in mind?”  
  
“Dinner? Tomorrow? Takeout, I mean, that I’m buying? You just have to show up and eat.”  
  
Smiling, Remus reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair from Sirius’ bun behind his ear. “Alright. It’s a date.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was a tiny thing i wrote in like two hours, i edited it briefly today before posting but i haven't had anyone read it, but it was fun to write and i hope it was equally fun to read despite whatever fuckups there may be!
> 
> i have almost the same attitude towards spiders as sirius does, and i'm glad to have a roomate that shares the same kind of attitude that remus does - i'm also very happy that we live in a flat that doesn't seem to get many spiders. i've yet to see one, and i hope to keep it that way.
> 
> sorry to all spider-lovers if this fic wasn't your cup of tea haha, but maybe it was funny anyway? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> (i'd love some kudos, pls it keeps the spiders away)
> 
> also come talk to me on tumblr if you wanna: [coolpuppymoon](http://coolpuppymoon.tumblr.com) :D


End file.
